In our therapy rooms, we so often see individuals and couples who are genuinely anxious or worried about what they perceive as a sexual problem but in fact is something that is entirely normal or very easily fixed.
Here you will find part two of our list of common issues we see in the therapy room, specifically for people with penises, for you to discover what is normal, when you should see someone and where to go if you do (read part one here). We hope it helps you to make decisions that are right for you on how to move your sex life to where you want it to be.
Coming too soon
Do you know what the average length of time to ejaculate is in men? It’s 5.4 minutes with penetrative sex* and a range of 2-7 minutes is considered to be the norm. Reasons for it being quicker can be being very turned on (i.e. the novelty of a new partner, not having ejaculated for a while) and being younger (men in their 20’s are more likely to be at the 2 minute end). Men we see are often surprised by this and reassured to hear that there’s nothing unusual about them.
Anything less than two minutes that’s associated with both distress and a lack of control over delaying ejaculation might be called ‘early ejaculation’ (the new name for premature ejaculation)’. It’s important to remember that it’s normal for it to take shorter or longer to come based on a ton of things like; how turned on you are; how long it’s been since you last came; any alcohol, drugs or prescribed meds you might be taking.
So what constitutes ‘early ejaculation’?
Basically it’s:
coming in less than 1 minute
coming before you want to / not feeling in control of it
feeling distressed about it.
Of course all of these things happen to all men from time to time and are nothing to worry about, but for some men they happen during MOST sexual encounters over a PROLONGED period. But why is it a problem? The answer to this says a lot about what we consider to be ‘real sex’. Having worries about coming sooner than you would like is often associated with placing too much focus on penetrative over other types of sex and considering what’s represented in porn as real life (remember 5.4 mins is the average NOT 54 minutes). Practices like stopping all sexual activity after you’ve come, rushing straight to penetrative sex to try and minimise arousal and imagining that a partners pleasure depends on the length of time penetrative sex lasts for are all things to avoid, but this last one is especially important as it’s very rarely the case. If you are worried about coming too soon ask your partner what’s important to them about sex. It’s likely they will say something like ‘intimacy, pleasure, closeness, excitement or connection’. None of things need to stop after you’ve come and none of these things can only be achieved from penetration alone.
When to see someone about early ejaculation: it’s worth noting that there are some medical conditions that can cause early ejaculation so if you are concerned contact your GP or book to see our recommended medical doctors to help rule out a medical condition.
Any significant change in ejaculation needs a medical assessment as it can be associated with things like thyroid dysfunction but for some people, ejaculation always happens earlier than they would like, and this has been the case their whole life. This might be to do with having a very sensitive glans (head of the penis) of not being great at noticing their own arousal and taking steps to slow it down if needed, but it’s often made worse by worrying about it, putting too much focus on penetrative sex, and avoiding being touched by a partner for fear of adding more to arousal. Sex therapy techniques like stop- start can be great- but so can condoms (especially ones made to reduce sensation). Sometimes doctors prescribe a mild gel that reduces sensation or even medication that can slow ejaculation down but it’s important to remember that sex does not have to be over after you’ve come, and regardless of the gender of your partner(s) you can all have a great time, no matter where in the process your orgasm happens.
*this data is based on research with cis straight men
Taking longer to get aroused as you get older
The older men get the more stimulation it takes them to get hard. This might mean that a man that in his 20’s barely even had to think about something vaguely erotic to get hard. In later decades that same man might need more time, physical stimulation and mental arousal and sometimes partners can interpret this more negatively than it needs to be. This is not a sign that he’s not physically turned on, but just a normal part of ageing. Use this time to relax and enjoy the ride.
It’s a myth that sexual satisfaction decreases with age. Several studies have demonstrated that sex holds more pleasure and satisfaction the older we get. This is linked to
increased confidence to assert what we want
a broader perspective of what sex can mean
a greater sense of freedom of expression
a decrease in body image concerns
Holding the belief that sex decreases in satisfaction and importance with age (exacerbated by inaccurate societal perceptions of older people’s sexuality) can sometimes be the thing that gets in the way of us taking the steps towards the sex life we want.
Not feeling up for it all the time
Men can struggle to feel like having sex just as much as women but telling people this can often be met with less understanding. The truth is that the burden of life admin, impact of tiredness, stress, predictability and lack of novelty in our sex lives, lack of body confidence, not feeling emotionally connected to our partner, feeling low or anxious, or being out of the habit can affect all of us at times, regardless of our gender identity. Messages from society that ‘men should always be up for it’ don’t help either.
In the UK, 15% of people identifying as male report a lack of interest in sex lasting three months or more in the past year. People using our services tell us that they can feel a stigma around this from partners, and friends as there’s an expectation that they should always be up for it. It’s normal for desire to ebb and flow for everyone over time and in relation to other things (body image, mood, health, relationship satisfaction, quality of sex life) but when men report persistent low libido a medical assessment is always essential to rule out testosterone deficiency and other potential medical causes. Here at The Havelock Clinic we can recommend excellent medical doctors to help provide complimentary care to the therapy we provide.
When to see someone about low desire: if you’re a man who has recently noticed a drop in desire it’s good to get a check up with a doctor who specialises in sexual medicine, as it can sometimes be the sign of an underlying condition, like low testosterone, or perhaps the side effect of a medication (like SSRIs). BUT do not despair, sex therapy is really effective for couples with differences in their sex drives, and can help you understand what’s going on but more importantly what you can do about it.
Feeling like your sex life has lost the spark
Do you feel like things aren’t as exciting as they used to be? Take our test to take the temperature of your sex life; find out where things are going well and where you can futureproof your sex life. The truth is that life admin, tiredness, stress, predictability and lack of novelty in our sex lives can have an impact. If you have had kids then it’s a whole other level (you might want to check our workshop on how to not let having kids ruin your sex life!) This is normal! The good news is, like most things in life, if we prioritise it and work at it, things will improve.
If you have an idea that you’d like something to be different in an area of your life, for example like feeling physically fit, or getting that job you’ve always wanted, you make a plan for it, make some preparations and take some steps towards getting to where you want to be. For example you might decide on a goal -let’s say increased energy- identify a gym, decide on certain days to exercise, get some new gym kit and set some small steps from where you are now, towards this goal.
Somehow with our sex lives we can fall into the trap of believing that a *good* sex life requires no effort or maintenance and should just ‘work’. As a result, we don’t afford it the same time, energy or thought as other areas of our life which are important to us, and before we know it we can find we’ve drifted off course.
Many of the people we see in sex therapy may have benefitted from evaluating things and making small tweaks a little sooner- we don’t always know what to do and we sometimes need expert guidance, but we can often benefit from taking stock and steering things rather than allowing them to drift and fall off course.
When was the last time you thought about how happy you are with the status quo of your sex life, or how you’d like things to grow or change moving forward? If you’re up for starting this process, consider the following and share it with your sexual partners and compare if you can;
In one year from now what would you like to be happening in your sex life that isn’t now?
What difference would it make to you personally or your sexual relationship(s) if you put it into action?
What would be the first few steps you could take to getting there?
Consider your conditions for good sex:
A key aspect of getting the sex life that you want is understanding what we call your ‘conditions for good sex’. Try this exercise to see what your individual conditions are:
reflect on the last few times (however long ago) that you had jaw-dropping sex
write down what it was that made it great- it’s likely to include things you felt about yourself (ie powerful, confident, sexy), things about the relationship between you and that other person/people (ie. build up, passion, trust, anonymity)
sexual acts or situations that get you off
noticing the things that work for you is a great way to make small changes if your sex life isn’t currently going to plan
We know that when people describe what makes sex great they describe losing themselves in it, accessing a flow like state where very little other thoughts or distractions enter their mind and it’s just them and the connection they have with their body, what is happening, sensation and the other person/people present.
This is hard to achieve for many of us, but we want it. We want to not have our mental to do list running through our mind, we want to be free from self judgement about how the position we are in creates a belly roll, we want to be unselfconsciously able to enjoy it without thinking what our next move should be like it’s a game of chess.
But how often are you able to access this flow like state generally in the rest of your day / week / month? Whether it’s drawing, running, creating , or being absorbed in nature- allowing yourself to flex that flow like muscle can be really important for our attention.
It’s too much to ask yourself to be able to do this in sex, if you can’t spend a second doing it in any other part of your life. If you want to feel able to do this more in sex, and notice more arousal, desire, pleasure and orgasms as a result-you HAVE to commit to be more like this throughout the day. It’s hard. There’s so much competing for our attention. But making time to do this outside of sex will improve your experience in it. For more help on how to do this check out our Train your brain for better sex workshop.
