As clinical psychologists specialising in sex therapy, we so often see individuals and couples who are genuinely anxious or worried about what they perceive as a sexual problem but in fact is something that is entirely normal or very easily fixed.
Here at The Havelock Clinic we want to banish myths and misinformation and bring you the latest evidence based sex science to help you feel reassured about issues that might be bothering you; things that we don’t often talk about so it’s hard to know what is normal and when to seek help.
A lot of the problems we have with sex aren’t problems that are located within a person and don’t need fixing in the therapy room. ‘Normal’ can mean different things to different people and sometimes, with a shift of perspective or some new information, what used to be a problem can turn into a source of pleasure rather than pain.
Here you will find a range of issues that we commonly see in the therapy room for you to discover what is normal, when you should see someone and where to go if you do. With information and exercises to try we hope it helps you to make decisions that are right for you on how to move your sex life to where you want it to be.
Not being able to orgasm through penetrative sex
In the last few years the message is slowly getting through that most vulva owners don’t orgasm from the type of sex that our society puts on a pedestal of ‘real sex’ – penis in vagina penetration- and this is real progress. However, there hasn’t yet been the same level of progress for penis owners. We get lots of messages from people whose partner doesn’t orgasm from penetrative sex, asking how to fix it. Well guess what? It doesn’t need fixing! The only reason it matters is if you want to get pregnant and even then there are ways to get around that at home.
Let’s not place penis owners under pressure for their body to have to respond to a certain sexual act in a certain way. Many just don’t. We’ve worked with loads of penis owners who have needed a specific type of stimulation (touch, pressure, position) to get there and for some penetrative sex just doesn’t cut it.
The expectation and demand that their body needs to respond in a way that theirs just doesn’t can make it a whole lot worse.
Pleasure is pleasure, an orgasm is an orgasm, sex is sex -however you have it.
Losing confidence in your erections
It is completely normal for people with penises to lose their erection from time to time. It can happen if you’re:
Not that turned on
Worried about something
The sexual scenario you’re in is just not a good fit for you
Drunk or high
Feeling tired or distracted
It’s normal to have a variety of worries and non-sexy thoughts during sex, all of us do. But if we get more focused on them rather than what’s hot about the scenario, or our own enjoyment and sensation, a negative cycle can be created by the physical impact of worry and the psychological process of distraction. Our brain needs to be able to pay attention to what’s hot, to continue to feel turned on. The more attention we pay to non-sexy or worrying thoughts, the less attention we have available for what’s erotic or feels good. A cycle of thoughts like this can impact on your ability to get and stay hard. The more it happens, the more you worry about it. The more you worry about it, the more it happens. Ironic, isn’t it?
The good news is that there is plenty that you can do to increase your confidence so that you can break this cycle. This is such a common problem in our therapy room that we have written a guide as this problem often doesn’t need an expensive session with a therapist to overcome! Our guide Confidence Staying Hard teaches you about how erections work and what can get in the way of them happening even when you want them to and exercises to practice alone to have a positive impact on what happens when you’re with someone else. The more this goes well, the less likely you are to lose your erection and this cycle will gain momentum over time.
When to see someone about erectile difficulties: erectile difficulties are really easy to overcome, but they can be a sign of an underlying health condition so it is always worth seeing someone as soon as possible if you have any concerns.
Erectile function is linked with lifestyle factors and giving up smoking, losing weight, reducing alcohol intake and increasing physical activity have all been shown to increase a person’s ability to get and stay hard. If you are worried about your erections, make lifestyle changes for sure, but also visit your GP or a doctor specialising in sexual medicine such as our recommended doctors at The Havelock Clinic.
Once you have visited your doctor to rule out any physical health conditions you can then be sure that other changes to your life or relationships will make a difference.
Needing to be in the same position to come:
Although it’s not as common for people with penises to struggle to orgasm and ejaculate from penetrative sex as it is for people with vulvas, it still totally normal to only be able to get to orgasm from your own hand or your partner’s hand/mouth, and for penetrative sex not to produce the kind of stimulation your body is used to. We can’t stress enough that this is NOT a problem that needs fixing, just a natural and wonderful part of how humans enjoy sex.
This happens as when we first learn how to orgasm we get used to coming a certain way, perhaps with a very specific touch/angle/speed/pressure/position. Neural pathways get laid down and reinforced by us doing this time and time again, and it becomes easier and comfortable to us- a bit like learning to write. We’ve worked with plenty of people who have learned to orgasm in a specific position, with a very exact pressure, or even with their other hand in contact with a particular part of their body, and it can then feel hard to replicate this with a partner or partners there.
Trying to come another way can feel a bit like trying to write with your other hand, it’s unfamiliar to your brain, and can be frustrating and not work so well. The vicious circle here is that frustration and worry about coming make coming less likely due to the impact of distraction on your sexual response.
The top four ways to lay down new neural pathways
Starting from a position that you absolutely don’t need to change how your body works, here are some things to try to help your body lay down new neural pathways to orgasm in a variety of ways.
Make a very small change to what you currently do, stick with this for a while then make a small change again. Over time, you’re shifting your orgasm to a new way of coming, but not so drastically that your brain doesn’t recognise it as a familiar route to orgasm. For example, if you can only come lying on your back, prop yourself up a little more each time, until you’re eventually sitting. This is called shaping, and can take weeks or months. You can practise this in solo sex or partnered.
Maximise your arousal, and minimise your distraction. It’s easier to come when you’re really turned on and your mind is totally in it, so use these times to try a slight change to your routine as mentioned above. This might also include things like a slower speed, or a less tight grip. Solo sex can be a great time to experiment, as there’s less pressure to come. If you need help overcoming distraction check out our Train Your Brain for Better Sex workshop.
Get a partner involved in shaping – so if you can only come from using your own hand have them place their hand over yours for a while, to feel exactly how you do it (and for your brain to register someone else’s touch involved with your orgasm), then switch to their hand over yours, then their hand alone, with you giving instruction.
Mostly, don’t worry how you come. Pleasure is pleasure!
Talk to your partner and change the script
How we orgasm is rooted in patriarchal concepts of how sex should look, and is by far the biggest culprit for many of the struggles people face.
Consider how closely what’s happening during sex with someone else matches with what works for you alone. If the touch that you’re receiving is quite different to what works to get you off alone then pay attention to this- it is a likely culprit.
This is the case for ALL bodies no matter what collection of parts you have. There are plenty of people of all genders who struggle to reach orgasm during types of sex where other people expect them to (e.g. penetrative sex) and this is NORMAL. Your body was not designed for boring formulaic sex! Don’t limit it!
We need to normalise prioritising the types of touch that get us there alone during sex- with a partner. And to do this we need to know that our bodies, and the kind of touch that work for us, are normal.
It’s OK to say what you need and it’s OK to talk about types of sex that are least likely to get you there (you can still enjoy them of course!).
If you need a little help with this check out Dr Karen Gurney’s Sunday Sex Session on communication during sex.
Having a small penis
The average UK penis is 5.1 inches long. It doesn’t really matter one bit how you or your sexual partner measures up to this as size truly doesn’t matter. Sexual pleasure and arousal is a) mostly in the head and b) not really got anything to do with length anyway as the vast majority of our nerve endings are mostly clustered in areas which aren’t impacted by length (ie head of penis, clitoris, entrance to vagina and anus). This means that you can have the most gigantic penis in the world but if the person you’re having sex with isn’t turned on by who you are, what you do, say and respond to, how you demonstrate your ability to ask about and attend to their sexual pleasure, how respectful you are, how you kiss or how you make them feel about themselves it isn’t going to get you anywhere. We’re also looking forward to the day when penis size jokes become extinct. They are an acceptable form of something which we wouldn’t accept for women these days, and the jokes about penis size not only strike some men to the core with insecurities and self loathing when they hear them but they also undermine the complexities of sex for everyone in our opinion.
